Something to take the pain away

[Wolf]

Deathwish padded through the forest, his tail drooping slightly and his eyes seemingly unseeing. He hated it when he felt this way; like a shard of ice had become lodged in his chest. Aggrivated, he licked the wiry fur furiously, then flopped to the ground. He couldn't take this anymore. He needed something to take the pain of his past away. But that couldn't happen. He'd never forgive himself and never forget.

[SHADE. :D]

Moonkit, where are you?
Please!

Cerulean eyes scoured the undergrowth. A red brown flash of fur revealed a she-cat as she stepped over a bramble which trailed over the grass. The cat's eyes shimmered, but not with happiness; with unspilled tears. The slender warrior pushed her way underneath a tall fern, her tail down. "Moonkit?" Her voice was despeate and filled with pent up sorrow. "What did I do? Why did you leave?" Cherrysmoke sobbed loudly, shaking her head from side to side. An image of her son, the small silver tabby kitten, so like his father. Crescentgaze... Cherrysmoke halted as she spotted a black figure. "Who's there?" Her fur bristled. Who had heard her murmuring? Who had overheard her secret misery?

[Wolf]

Deathwish lifted his head half-heartedly, his eyes so glazed that they appeared to be glass.
"Deathwish...Who's that?" He laid his head back down and remained in his sprawled and vulnerable position, not caring who was there and whether or not they would harm him. He just felt too broken to care about his own life and maybe, the thought crept stealthily into his aching brain, maybe he could be with his family again. As he thought of them, two thin streams of tears trickled from his eyes and down his thin face.

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke was crouched, fur bristling, when a reply reached her. She relaxed slightly, her muscles loosening again. But her red fur did not cease standing up. The she-cat pushed her way through the undergrowth, her forepaws crushing the stalk of a young spruce. Sap wetted her paws, but she ignored the sticky substance. Cherrysmoke caught sight of Deathwish, lay in the grass. He looked quite pathetic. The queen lifted her head, her throat swelling. She wanted to ask the black tom outright whether he had heard her pleas. But then she noticed the tear tracks on his white-shot cheeks. The she-warrior arched one eyebrow, cerulean eyes curiously. She sat several tail lengths away from the tom, tail curled around her small paws. "What's the matter with you?" Cherrysmoke knew that Deathwish had lost many cats in his life, like she had. The warrior remembered Willowpaw, her best friend. The longhaired chocolate tabby had never stopped smiling, even when she was afflicted by Greencough. Cherrysmoke's jaw twitched as she remembered her mate, Crescentgaze. The large grey tabby had protected her to the very end. Then there was Moonkit, her beloved son... Cherrysmoke shook her head, ears pricked high. She had to pull herself together. How could she rebuff Deathwish when she was so miserable herself?

[Wolf]

Deathwish raised his head again. "I just...I miss my family." He said simply, even though there was more to how he was feeling, he felt that Cherrysmoke wouldn't want to know, he had noticed that she seemed distraught herself, and he couldn't blame her. He remembered the day when he had led his brothers and sisters into the forest to play, but then disaster had struck when a badger attacked and killed all of them. Somehow, he had got away, hurt but alive. But no wound could hurt him more than the pain of his self-blame. He wished he had died that day, it was what he deserved. He remembered his warrior ceremony when his name was changed from Ebonypaw to Deathwish.

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke's cerulean eyes narrowed slightly as the black tom spoke. She flicked her tail slightly, raising her head. "It doesn't do to dwell upon the past," she mewed, looked down at Deathwish. The red-brown queen thought of Moonkit again, her eyes darkening slightly. But, she thought, she was not being a hypocrite; Moonkit was not in the past. Cherrysmoke stared briskly down at Deathwish. She remembered his devestation when his brothers and sisters had been killed. They had been kits together, but Ebonykit, as he had been called then, had never wanted to hang around with her, Cherrykit. He had preferred to play with siblings. And after they died, he had been crushed. Cherrysmoke lifted her chin. But time had passed now; valuable time. "You have to move on," she mewed, none too gently. "Your depression will just drag others down. Imagine mentoring an apprentice. They'd grow up just like you." Cherrysmoke shuddered, glad Deathwish had not been chosen to mentor Petalpaw, Daisypaw or Pansypaw. Not because she disliked him, but because of her fear of how he might influence them to become.

[Wolf]

Deathwish blinked up at Cherrysmoke, and didn't reply. He knew she was right, but he didn't have anything else to say. He looked up at the sky, his tail twitching slightly. Suddenly he spoke. "I wouldn't want to be a mentor anyway. I couldn't trust myself with that kind of responsibility."

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke leapt to her paws, bristling. Even his tone set her teeth on edge. "Stop it!" she hissed, unsheathing her claws. She wanted to claw some sense into Deathwish. "Just stop! Believe in yourself, you useless lump of fur! You're a warrior, maybe a sad, lonely warrior, but a warrior nonetheless! You should be thinking of your clan! The rogues may have left, but I've been sent to scour the territory for stragglers! You should be helping me!" Cherrysmoke narrowed her eyes with a irritated hiss. She turned away for a moment, her jaw twitching. When she looked back, her expression had softened slightly. "Deathwish," she mewed. "You wouldn't be so lonely if you opened your eyes. Look through all that foxdung and see her!" Cherrysmoke blinked, then stormed on. "Foxtail! It's so obvious she loves you!" Cherrysmoke twitched her tail in impatience.

[Wolf]

Deathwish looked up at Cherrysmoke, then got slowly to his paws. "I havn't believed in myself for moons, and I can't start now." He meowed, his voice devoid of emotion. "And my eyes are open. I know she loves me, like I love her. But again, I can't trust myself not to mess things up. She'd be better off with some cat braver, kinder, and more loyal than me." He padded away a few steps. "Now are we looking for those rogues or not?"

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke yowled out in frustration. The queen leapt forward, pinning Deathwish to the ground. Her claws were sheathed, but there was enough strength being applied in her paws to hopefully keep Deathwish down. Cherrysmoke looked in the eye. "We're not going anywhere until we've sorted this out," she told him fiercely. "How can you let this chance pass up?" she hissed. Cherrysmoke pushed her nose closer to his. "I almost did the same, with Crescentgaze, before he died. But I was so glad that I chose to be his mate! Look what came out of it! I have the three sweetest daughters in the world! They mean everything to me!" Cherrysmoke shook Deathwish angrily. "Foxtail loves you! Isn't that enough to tell you you're not useless?" Cherrysmoke sighed. "Remember when we were apprentices together, Ebonypaw?" Cherrysmoke lashed her tail. "Your brothers and sisters are dead. I know it's hard, but you have to move on."

[Wolf]

Deathwish made no effort to get up. He turned his head to the side and looked avoided her gaze. "That- That was a long time ago. I'm not Ebonypaw anymore." He paused, then spoke again. "And how could I raise a family? Like you said, they'd turn out like me. I can't change, and that's what I hate most about myself."

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke cuffed Deathwish hard around the ears, not caring that he was her clanmate. The reddish coloured she-cat lashed her wildly bristling tail and glared at the black coated tom. "Deathwish, you should not hate yourself!" she hissed. "I know about that first-hand! I did! When Crescentgaze died, I blamed myself! But it wasn't my fault. StarClan just called him down earlier than we thought." Cherrysmoke allowed a ghost of sadness to grace her cerulean eyes, before she blinked and it was replaced by annoyance. "You are a good warrior - why can't you see that?" Cherrysmoke pushed her forepaws down harder on Deathwish's chest. "You'll never know if you don't try. And besides, if you did have kits, they'd be Foxtail's as well. They'd have her in them, too." The she-cat stared down at Deathwish. "C'mon, you need to pull yourself together. Your acting like a kit."

[Wolf]

Deathwish hesitated, then looked up at Cherrysmoke. "Alright. I'll try to sort myself out. But I can't do it on my own." He paused, looked away again, then looked up at her, a glimmer of hope in his eyes. "Will you help me?" He asked.

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke loosened her grip on Deathwish as he first spoke. The she-cat nodded. "That's more like it." At the black tom's request, she hesitated. Helpfulness was not exactly her strong point. After a moment longer's hesitation, she replied; "Okay, I'll try." Cherrysmoke jumped back, to allow Deathwish up. The red-brown she-cat shook herself, giving her shoulder a couple of quick licks. The she-cat looked up at the sky. It was a ruddy, rustic orange colour. Cherrysmoke twitched her shoulders. "Okay, we have just enough for a quick circuit of the territory," she told Deathwish. "But afterward I need to get back. I want to see if Petalpaw, Daisypaw and Pansypaw are alright after the battle." Cherrysmoke shuddered at the thought of one of her precious kits being injured.

[Wolf]

Deathwish got to his paws and shook himself, his wiry fur sticking up in all directions. He padded over to Cherrysmoke and stood beside her. "Thanks." He meowed. "And I'm sure your kits are fine."

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke nodded. "I hope so," she mewed. The sturdy warrior stepped into the shadow of a tall tree, her tail raised. She noticed a blackbird pecking at the grass. Cherrysmoke dropped into a crouch, and prowled forward, her cerulean eyes narrowed. The warrior pounced, her paws pinning the bird to the grass. She killed it with a quick bite, the sleek feathers brushing her tongue. Cherrysmoke picked up the blackbird in her mouth and trotted on, glancing behind her as she went. The red-brown queen ducked to slide under a fern. Cherrysmoke peered around, scenting the air. There did not appear to be any rogues, but... She could not be sure.

[Wolf]

Deathwish slid through the ferns after Cherrysmoke, eyes darting left to right, nose checking for rogue scent. He was completely alert to everything around him. "I don't see or smell any rogues." He meowed.

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke looked around as Deathwish appeared at her side. She dropped the blackbird, lashing her tail from side to side. "Me neither," she mewed. "Good. They've learnt not to mess with SerenityClan." Snatching up the blackbird, she padded on, scenting the air as she went. As a new scent reached her nose, the warrior stiffened, dropping the blackbird. "Deathwish!" she hissed, whipping around. Cherrysmoke peered around, eyes narrowed. She spotted a large, sandy burrow, and gave a spit of fury. "Badger," she growled, ears flat. She was aware Deathwish would not want to pass; it would bring up painful memories. "We should turn around and go back to camp," she mewed. "Jasminestar should know."

[Wolf]

Deathwish nodded jerkily. "I agree. Let's go, quickly. The sooner she knows, the better." He meowed, trying to keep his voice calm. He breathed in deeply, forcing the fur on his shoulders to lay flat agin.

[SHADE. :D]

Cherrysmoke turned back to Deathwish, her blue-green eyes unusaully sympathetic. The she-warrior turned and headed back the way they had come, brushing her tail tip along the black tom's flank as she went. The warrior needed to get over his past, but Cherrysmoke knew it would take time. The she-cat began to anticipate returning to camp, and seeing her daughters. The warrior smiled. Petalpaw, Daisypaw and Pansypaw had grown so much. Each now had long, slender limbs and soft coats. Only Moonkit had carried her body structure. All three she-cats looked just Crescentgaze, but for their fur. Cherrysmoke scented the air, eager to enter the camp again. It felt somehow unsafe out here.

[Wolf]

Deathwish shuddered slightly, closing his eyes and shaking his head. When he felt Cherrysmoke's tail stroke his flank, he lifted his head, smiling slightly. He was glad he wasn't out here alone.

[SHADE. :D]

// I made a new thread in the camp. It's called 'Time For Truth'. =3